


Cardboard Cutout

by amerasu1013 (amerasu_1013)



Series: This still counts as Masturbation [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America (Movies) RPF, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Crack, Crossover, M/M, Weirdness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-13
Updated: 2015-05-13
Packaged: 2018-03-30 10:16:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3933025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amerasu_1013/pseuds/amerasu1013
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Sebastian meets the Winter Soldier.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cardboard Cutout

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by a dream I had the other night. Which I sadly woke up from before anything exciting could happen... sigh. I don't even know, you guys...  
> Additionally: I seriously suck at titles. At some point this was called "this still counts as masturbation" and at a different point simply "OMG what".  
> Oh, and as usual: English is not my native tongue and I don't own shit. Just my imagination... :)

Sebastian uses his shoulder to keep his phone pressed to his ear while he tries to open his front door, simultaneously juggling his grocery bags in his free hand. Fucking piece of shit lock is stuck and man, he can see the wet spot on one of the bags where the ice cream is sweating moisture and soaking through the paper. If he doesn’t get inside soon, there’s gonna be an avalanche of groceries all over the staircase. The perfect shitty ending to an already shitty day, and that’s without his Mom’s voice on his mailbox, complaining about how he never calls her and she never reaches him and they never talk anymore, sweetie, I just miss you! Delivered in that tone of voice only mothers have, the perfect blend of _I love you_ and _you make me sad_ and _I’m not angry, I’m just **disappointed**_ , until you’re feeling like the lowest human being on the planet…

He curses quietly and then loudly while the stubborn lock resists a few seconds more, but finally the door opens. _Success_! He thinks and shoves the door open with his foot, since he now needs to hands to carry his grocery bags because, yep, the wet one has ripped and is determined to spill apples and ice cream everywhere. His keys clatter to the floor, who the hell cares, because he needs to get to the kitchen before the bag loses all structural integrity and aforementioned spillage occurs.

Next message. It only consists of Mackie yelling BANANAS and then cackling like a maniac in their ongoing game of random-fruit-name-Tourette (don’t ask). Sebastian decides he’ll call back later with, erm. Watermelon? No, boring. Oh! Sea cucumber! ... What? It counts, there’s ‘cucumber’ in it…

Next message. Downey nattering in his ear, sounding slightly out of breath, wind howling in the background, static over the whole speech and making it kind of hard to understand now and then. But it essentially says something like: “Hey there, Sebastian! Not to alarm you, but a certain friend of Roger has apparently developed an interest in you. So, if you see a bucket, give me a call, I put my number in your phone. All hail Jarvis!”

Yeah, that pretty much makes no sense. Who is Roger? What bucket? And all hail Jarvis? Fucking method actors, you’d think Downey would put down the Iron Man persona when they’re currently not filming anything Tony Stark-related. Whatever, he’s gonna call the guy back tomorrow (the number’s been in his cellphone all along, moron, did Downey forget he gave him that ages ago?), today he’s not willing to deal with the crazy craziness of I-AM-Iron-Man.

All he wants to do today is put down his phone – check – put away his groceries – check – and put himself down on the couch with his half-melted ice cream – check – and watch stupid reality tv shows. And maybe have a wank later. Sebastian snuggles into the pillows, opens his tub of only a little bit melted – yay! – chocolatey goodness and picks up the remote. Then frowns, because there’s a weird clinking sound from the corner. He looks over to see where it is coming from.

There’s a cardboard cutout of the Winter Soldier standing in his corner.

Sebastian lets out a… _slightly_ unmanly squeak and flinches backwards. The ice cream tub falls to the floor, gooey liquid soaking his carpet. Then he knocks his head back against the couch’s backrest and starts cursing, because aww man, his ice cream! And damn that jerkface Chris Evans and his stupid pranks. Sneaking in here to scare him with a life-sized version of Sebastian himself glowering at him from the dark? Genius, yeah, he can admit that, but what the actual fuck. This demands retaliation, revenge, swift, vicious, deadly rev…

The cardboard Winter Soldier moves.

The cardboard Winter Soldier moves and starts walking towards him, what the fuck. Sebastian can hear the soft, almost-silent steps on the wooden floor, what the actual _fuck_. He sees the dark hair partly obscuring a face that is really, really familiar, what the _fucking_ fuck. The street lights outside glint off the metal arm, what the fucking _hell_ is fucking _happening_?!

“So.” The Winter Soldier says. Sebastian eeps and presses back into the couch because holy fucking fuck. “You’re the guy pretending to be me.”

Oh no. Oh nonono, because fuck and also _fuck_ and also, oh my God, now that last message on his mailbox suddenly makes a lot more sense. Downey, ha, oh God, no, it wasn’t Downey at all, was it? It wasn’t method? It was… Sebastian can’t even say it. But fuuuuck, it all makes sense now. It wasn’t Roger, it was _Rogers_. It wasn’t if you see a bucket, it was _if you see Bucky_. Bucky fucking Barnes, the Winter Soldier is standing in his living room, smirking down at him and what is his life and oh God, what the actual fuck.

“Can’t say I was too happy finding out about you.”

Shit. Fuck. Aside from the whole _Oh my God is this actually happening_ and _Oh my God am I going crazy_ and maybe a little bit of _Oh my God this is awesome no one is ever gonna believe me_ Sebastian now has mainly one thought in his mind, and that is: _Oh my God, I am going to **die**_.

Because the Winter Soldier, Bucky fucking Barnes, takes another step forward and looms over Sebastian on the couch. He is distantly aware of the ice cream melting on the floor at his feet, gooey chocolate sauce covering his toes, but who the fuck cares, because the Winter Soldier is glaring at him. He’s going to die and the Winter Soldier puts his arms on the couch’s backrest on both sides of Sebastian, trapping him, bends down real close, opens his mouth and says:

“What’s that about anyway, you people treating my fucking life as fucking entertainment, hm? Think it’s funny? Little boy playing soldier or something like that?”

Now, wait just a minute. Sebastian’s actually feeling pretty insulted now. And apparently lost his mind completely, because this is what he says in response: “Hey, you know what? Go fuck yourself!”

And then immediately wishes the couch would swallow him whole, because, yep, he just said that. To the actual Winter Soldier (what the fuck), a fucking assassin and one of the deadliest human beings and yep, he’s lost his mind and now he’s gonna die, be killed by a fictional character in a decidedly non-fictional, very graphic and novel way. Another clue for him having fallen off the edge of reason is the fact that he can’t help but snigger inside at that last thought. Hee, graphic novel.

Somehow, this second of internal, slightly panicky amusement helps his resolve, as does the way Bucky fucking Barnes blinks rapidly, apparently quite taken by surprise. Not used to your prey talking back when you insult them, are you? Sebastian sets his jaw. “You heard me!” he says, glaring up at Bucky. “Go fuck yourself, Barnes!” And uses both hands to shove the other away.

The Winter Soldier stumbles back only a single step and stares down at him, mouth slightly open in surprise. Sebastian stands up himself and glares, breathing heavily and resolutely only thinking about how angry he is and not at all about how the other could probably kill him with his pinky. Shit. Now he _did_ think about it…

But Bucky… smiles. A slow, slightly twisted, slightly not-all-that-sane, slightly terrifying smile. “You know what, Sebastian? I think I like you.”

Huh. Um, yay? Tiny ray of hope, maybe, regarding the whole getting-killed-by-the Winter-Soldier-thing? If he likes Sebastian, he’s not gonna make him dead, right? Even when he’s smiling like a crocodile? Right?

“In fact, _Sebastian_ …” Bucky all but purrs, his name in that hoarse voice sending a sudden shiver down Sebastian’s spine. What? What is going on? Sebastian is so confused right now. Still somewhat angry and a bit hopeful and feeling weirdly hot around his neck, but mostly confused.

Sebastian opens his mouth to politely inquire as to what the fuck is happening right now, but all he manages is a weird sound like “Whmph!” because the very next second, there’s a tongue down his throat. And… yeah, okay, now he’s getting it. Even if thinking’s starting to get a bit difficult, when there’s a mouth pressed against his, a tongue doing nasty, wonderful, fantastic things to him. Sebastian needs to come up for air a lot sooner than expected and sort of has to clutch at a very strong, very metal arm to keep from falling down. This might be the weirdest thing he’s ever done, and maybe slightly narcissistic, but it’s also really, really, _really_ awesome. Wow, the guy really knows how Sebastian likes to be kissed. Uh, that probably shouldn’t be a surprise, right?

“As I was saying… in fact, Sebastian, I think I just may.”

The other shoves him back down on the couch. Sebastian squeaks in surprise and stares up at him, feeling a lot like a deer caught in the headlights, or rather a deer caught in the gaze of a lion. Who’s about to eat him. “Do what?” he asks and isn’t proud at how his voice cracks at the end.

Bucky smirks and climbs on top of him. “Go fuck myself,” he purrs, ripping open Sebastian’s shirt and sending buttons flying everywhere, “just like you said.”

“Oh, that…” Sebastian manages, as Bucky bites at his neck and shoves a cold metal hand down Sebastian’s pants, “oooohhh…”

And then he stops saying anything else for the rest of the night. Well. Aside from moaning and begging and screaming in pleasure, but that’s just fine.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not sorry! :P Sebastian Stan makes me want to wrap him in marshmallows and pinch his cheeks AND makes me want to hold him down and do filthy, filthy things to him. It's quite confusing. The Winter Soldier mostly makes me want to wrap him in marshmallows and yeah, okay, makes me want to do filthy things to him, too. Or let him do filthy things to me, I'm not picky. And both of them at the same time? Uh, yes please! ;)  
> ... aaaand there may be a sequel to this at some point, I don't know. I have some ideas. Maybe even explicit ones. What do you think?


End file.
